I’m a doubter.
There I said it.
I grew up in the church and have been a Christian for as long as I can remember. I do believe in God and that he is completely in control.
Yet I still doubt him.
I’m not sure if my doubting is in his being good or if it’s a trust issue or how to label it. Basically, I have a hard time allowing God to have complete control in my life. Which is hilarious since he is in complete control regardless of how I feel about it! My problem is that he allows bad things to happen. (I won’t use the common phrase that he allows bad things to happen to good people. Because who of us is actually good? And we all have bad things happen to us).
How can I trust him fully when I know that he can allow bad things to happen? Looking back on my life, I wouldn’t say he’s allowed anything to happen up to this point that I hold against him. Certainly in the midst of certain trials, I did question him outright. But, now that I have some perspective and distance from those things, I am just grateful that he hasn’t allowed more trials in my life than he has.
My fear is of what he could allow to happen in my future. And I don’t know what to do about that. I watch other people struggling with horrific things and I feel so bad for them. And I wonder how I would ever survive if I were in their shoes. How can I have any solace knowing God is in control when he might allow something harmful to happen to me or someone I care about?
James 1:5-8 “If any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God, who gives generously to all without finding fault, and it will be given to him. But when he asks, he must believe and not doubt, because he who doubts is like a wave of the sea, blown and tossed by the wind. That man should not think he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all he does.”
I often find myself relating to the man in Mark 9:24. “I do believe; help me overcome my unbelief!”
I hate being double-minded, but I find so often that I am.
Here’s a scary thought. If I can’t bring myself to trust God, who is 100% good, how can I trust any human, when we are all sinful?
James 1:22 “Do not merely listen to the word, and so deceive yourselves. Do what it says.”
I love to read for pleasure. I love to learn and I want to always be growing. So I tend to read self-help type books. But, I have to wonder how much of what I read actually sinks in. My brain can only hold so much information. So, is all of this learning a waste of time? Especially when I can’t possibly put into action every thing that I read? Should I focus on only reading the Bible for a time and putting into action what I’m reading?
James 1:26 “If anyone considers himself religious and yet does not keep a tight rein on his tongue, he deceives himself and his religion is worthless.”
When I was young, I loved a good conflict and I always had great comebacks. I’ve since learned that being right or having the last word is not worth the harm it does to relationships.
What I struggle with lately is reining in the thoughts in my head. I suppose God allowed us to have private thoughts for a reason. We let hurtful things slip out of our mouths as it is. How could we ever get past all the hurtful things that others think in their heads, if we actually knew their every thought?
Wow, this post is nothing like the one I outlined as I was reading over James 1. It’s full of questions and no answers. And I don’t have a way to neatly tie it up in a bow. So I’ll just stop here for now.